I knew that I wasn’t supposed to do it.
“Go ahead Nadra”
I knew that I didn’t want to do it.
“Don’t be like that Nadra”
But I did it anyways.
“Aye Nadra, it’s lit”
Even after I did it, I knew it was the wrong move to keep making….but I kept making it anyways. It seemed like every time I tried to make it work, God was like “Skrt, Skrt. Nope. Stop. Don’t pass go. Don’t collect $200!!!” But what did I do? Y’all, I passed go and collected that $200 & ended up feeling a different type of low than I’d ever experienced before.
I saw something once that said “God will send you signs that it’s time to slow down, quiet your mind, and focus on yourself. Sometimes those signs can be painful and unpleasant. But if that’s what it takes to get your attention, it’s worth it.” Sometimes God has to break you down to your core until you realize what it is that He wants you to see. This was one sign that made me realize what that was. This sign allowed me to sit back and think to myself about what God was trying to tell me.
I summed it up to: I know myself better than I think I do.
I was always under the impression that other people knew me better than I knew myself.
In instances where I didn’t know what to do (like in the story above), I would turn to the people in my life and allow them to make decisions for me. (Sounds maladaptive, doesn’t it? Yeah. I know that now.)
But before I realized that, I was stuck in that way of thinking. There were so many situations in my life that ended “badly” due to my over-thinking and over-analyzing (and still making the “wrong” choices) that I really believed that other people knew Jenadra better than Jenadra knew Jenadra. (Crazy, I know!!) It was so bad that it extended into many areas in my life: school, family, friends, relationships, religion..literally everything. I felt like I was losing control of my own life. I felt like I was watching the movie of my life being directed by everyone else…all the scenes out-of-order and all of the plots twisted..not realizing that I had the upper hand to put my feature film together the way I wanted it to be.
Truthfully, it’s been a process – trying to teach myself to rely on my own intuitions and knowledge. I sometimes forget that I’m a very intelligent girl and that I know myself. I forget that I’ve been myself for 20 years now, and know better than anyone else, who I am. I forget that I don’t have to be cool or cordial with anyone. I forget. From this situation and all of the others like it that I’ve had, I realized that I’m human. I forget that sometimes, as well. I had to relearn that it was okay to make mistakes. I had to allow myself to figure things out by myself. I’m still trying to learn myself. I’m still trying to learn to be my authentic self. But I’m learning. And at the end of the day, that’s all that matters.